Two Questions

      Sooner or later after the wedding, almost all of us notice patterns in our spouse’s actions that we wish were different. Most of us complain or criticize to the other in hope that of this wish being fulfilled. We are usually disappointed. Alenda and I each took this approach early in our marriage, with the same unsatisfactory results. Defensiveness and countercharges were the usual response. By contrast, two questions from Alenda, in two different situations, caused me to take a serious look at my behavior. That look caused me to want to change. With time positive change happened.

    The first happened while I was a partner at the Ackermanville Veterinary Hospital. I took my first position after veterinary college with Drs. Elwood Borger and Dick Kennedy. After two years of employment, they offered me a partnership. They treated me very well.

    Ten years later, we hired Dr. Charles Rinehimer to be the fourth doctor on our staff. Somehow, the respect and courtesy that Elwood and Dick had shown me did not always translate into me showing the same attitude towards him. For the most part I was courteous and fair, but there were also occasions when I spoke harshly to him, sometimes in front of our lay staff. 

    One evening I told Alenda of an event where I judged he had mishandled some practice situation. “I gave him hell,” I stated, with a bit too much pride in my voice. I still recall her reaction. She looked me square in the eye, and said “Did Elwood or Dick ever give you hell?” Those were her only words, and as I mentally scanned back over the past twelve years, I could not recall a single instance where either spoke to me in that manner. And then I felt ashamed. After about an hour of additional reflection, I called Dr. Rinehimer, apologized to him and vowed to do better.

    The second occasion happened after an ugly incident in a restaurant. A large group of our family, including my parents and Alenda’s mother, were being attended by a single waitress. Some mistakes occurred with appetizers, and then a very long delay transpired as we waited for our main course. At one point, she paused while going by our table, and said “your food will be right out.” Then another twenty minutes went by. The longer we sat, the angrier I became. Finally, the entrees arrived, with more mistakes. I then exploded, telling her in a very loud voice that she had done a terrible job, and that there would be no gratuity. She looked distraught and left the room. Another person finished with us.

    I expected recrimination from Alenda, but for three days, she said nothing. I had almost forgotten the incident when she asked, with a very polite voice tone, “May I ask you a question about how you acted in the restaurant the other night?” The question took me by surprise, and I gave it some thought before responding. “Sure, go ahead,” I finally spoke. “Is that how you want to be?” Once again, those were her only words, and once again, they caused me to reflect on that scene, and others that had transpired over the years. After several minutes of thought, I replied “No, that is not how I want to be.” Once again, I vowed to change.

    Wanting to change and actually changing are two different things. The first must precede the second. Alenda’s use of questions in place of criticism brought the first in me. I am pleased to say that over time I learned to use different words, and more importantly, different voice tone and body language when I felt compelled to voice my displeasure in some situation. I use “self-talk” when I perceive anger rising, reminding myself that I can be firm yet polite in how I speak to others.